tayROAR's blog

think with me here,
hold back those tears, take a deep breath,
and take a moment to think.

remember that boy, when at the first glance,
you wanted him to be the only thing you see?

remember the first time you hung out,
and everything about him was just so inviting?

and the texts? you'd read them over and over,
just to let the fact that he's spent money, even if it is just phone credit
- just to talk to you?

then when you knew you were getting somewhere, and he went to lengths
just to be noticed by you? You felt special, didn't you?

but then he started noticing other girls. and you were the one going to lengths
to be noticed by him.

you offered to send him phone credit when he ran out, just so he can talk to you as a 'thank you'

if he was going to be somewhere you were going to be, even if it was just the local shop,
you'd dress to impress every time.

then it got worse, didn't it?

he started growing up, noticing girls for the wrong reasons. and here you were.
Number one, on his target clock.

step by step, you gave into him. each time hoping to get the slightest bit further in a romance with him.
in the end you were left the same cold, dead way, weren't you?

you know he's wrong. but you love him so much that you won't accept it.
even if the consequences are being, he doesn't talk to you for months on end,
all because he wasn't satisfied with you.

i know how much it hurts, you feel you're not good enough,
no matter how much money you spend,
how many pictures you take,
how many drinks you've had,
he will never be satisfied.

its such an ugly truth, my dear.

<3

I don't think it's just about him anymore.
It's about everything. I've realized why I'm hard to be liked, by anyone.
It's because of my past. And really, my past is with him.

I don't want to have to sit here and pretend that nothings wrong.
when to be honest, i have so, so much i need to say.
Because truth is, I'm not okay anymore.

I'm sick of "friends" ditching me, to invite other girls along instead.
I'm sick of not going out and being social. Instead i'm trapped
in my room on my computer.
I hate not having a life.
I hate people disliking me.
It just feels like I'm constantly having to keep my head down,

I just really wish there was someone I could tell literally every secret I have.
And they wouldn't tell anybody, cut in, tell me I'm wrong they'd just shut up, and listen.

Because I know i've done wrong. And all I wanna do is just tell someone everything that's bugging me. I just want to have a "me moment".

I just want to grow up and move far away from this.

I've reach the point in my life where i've given up on relationships.
because i have my school work, i have my friends.
and mainly because seeing his face just makes me even more
disappointed in myself.

because i want him to know that he's hurt me
and i want him to know that i wasn't just another girl.
i'm a human being.

Seeing as he'll never understand that, and he'll never admit
to being the bad person in every relationship he's had,
i figured it's time to give up.

what's going to stop him?
what's going to change him?
perhaps he'll find a way in the future.
and realise that every time he told a girl they couldn't be together,
due to "family problems", "having to sort other shit out", "clear his head", or
because he has feelings for another girl.
that it hurt her more than he thought, and that we'd go to bed hoping the next girl
ends up like you, because you're madly jealous.

so from now and forever on, when he looks me in the eye.
or just a simple glance, to say hi.
i'll know that this boy broke my heart, tried to temporarily stick it back together and gave up and left it broken for someone else to put back together, and that person is going to be no one else but me.

<3

This article is going to be long.
because i need to rant.
because im sick of everything to do with him.
in no particular order, i'm going to spill everything.
from my mind to my heart.
i'll show my msn convos, and my cell texts.



the first time he smoked infront of me at a party.
i said exactly this:
********* says: why didn't you have a smoke?
tala says: because smoking & drinking isnt my scene :)
********* says: didnt use be mine either
********* says: but yea lol
tala says: Lol, why did you decide to do it?
********* says: got bored lol
tala says : Naw, you kinda disappointed me when i saw you do it :\
********* says: it was all part of my change lol
tala says: i don't like it... i thought you were better than that D:
********* says: y?
tala says: because its your body you're killing... you should know better...
********* says: it was a once off
tala says: Ah, ok.
********* says: promise :)
********* says: drinking wont kill me
********* says: but smoking was once off
tala says: Good. :) im fine with you drinking, but not smoking! :)
********* says: sweet
********* says: at least someone is looking out for me :)
********* says: thanks. means a lot.
___________________________
does it really. Does it really mean a lot.
because you sure as hell don't show it.


On the bus, he occasionally takes his guitar out and plays it.
but this time, he shocked me. He was playing my favourite song.
He knew it was my favourite song.
It was our song, in 2007.
(8)
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
(8)

He wanted to see if I'd notice. He's got no feelings for me anymore,
but he always gives me signs. are they signs?
Just stop, please.



He text me the other night:
Sender: ********* ****
Message:
Hey i was just looking at you myspace. you're really pretty. how did i ever lose you :(

you know how you lost me. and ever since i've made the effort to get you back and you throw me away.
it was your fault. yours.



He's been texting/calling/talking to a Year 8 for the past month. She's really into him. He's really into her.
The worst part is. She made friends with me, she used to always type everything he'd say to her out to me on msn.:
******* Says:
I said to him, when i was really upset, i was like why do you like me all this much, why should i believe you after all the shit you've givin me in the past and all. ANd he was like: 1. looks dont matter and if they did ur SO beautiful anyway it dont matter. 2. your an amazing person who always makes me feel good about myself which i love. 3. you got a wiked sence of humor. 4. i could see us in a pretty special relationship. 5. i hate this whole your to good for me coz if anything its not good enough. 6. you have to trust me if were going to get anywere and you have to know that everything i say to you i mean . ******* i love you. x

Not only does she have poor grammar. But he really does love her.
And i have around 4-5 weeks of convos like these. no "hey, how are you?"
just shit retyped to me about what he says.
What in her right mind makes her think i want to know? Everyone knows what happened between me and him, no thanks to his brother telling everyone. God knows how he found out.
And yet, she continues to talk about it, no matter how much it hurts me.

My god, i want to scream.
My friend introduced me to this song.
Chester See - God Damn you're beautiful.
I cried in the first minute of the song.

I wanna back down. I wanna give up. I wanna let go.
He's used me. I can't do it anymore. Why am i still doing this.
I can't look at him anymore. He's going out with a year 8
he's in year 10! Wait, why am i saying this?
Love has no definition

God, i just wanna cry.

I don't know what else to write. I'm mind-blocked.

i show so much hate for him, but fuck, i love him.
i always mock him, i gossip about him, i really, really hate him.
but i still have something for him.
i don't wanna live like this.

i just wish love would go away, leave me alone.
i don't want any of it.
i don't want any of you.

i say i hate him. but even now,
he can still manage to make my heart jump.

butterflies swarm my tummy.
i wish it was because of hate.

the day i still think about.
too bad he saw it as 'getting some action'

they say before you die,
your whole life flashes before your eyes.
i hope mine is worth watching

i say i'm over him.
the more i think about it, i say it because i'm trying to believe it.

i'm over him using me,
saying shit he doesn't mean,
leaving me the same way every time
and thinking it's okay.

because i gave into him everytime,
i fucked my other relationships.
and now,
everyone knows about it.